(no subject)

I don't write here anymore, but maybe I should start again. I figure the people who used to read this have given up and moved onto other blogs on other sites, and this one will be more private again. I've had this sucker a long time.

It's the weekend, and I'm slightly annoyed because it's not going the way I planned. I have become obsessed with time management over the last year because it never seems like there is much of it. My days sort of speed by, and unless I am accomplishing something in the waking hours I get a little peeved. After all, what's the point of working a dead-end ridiculous awful job if you aren't doing anything with your life in the meantime? Not that I'm doing something with my life. But I am enacting tiny improvements along the way.

The main projects at the moment are: getting myself back into proper health and shape (this is going very well, although it is grueling and slow), improving my household (building shelves, cleaning, painting, using duct tape), learning new skills (sewing is horribly frustrating), saving money (failing miserably), and... well, that's about it. What I'm SUPPOSED to be doing is building up a portfolio of design crap, improving my website and streamlining it for freelance, looking for jobs, and scheming up other ways of making money. I just can't bring myself to do these things because I'm mentally exhausted by being an adult.

Sometimes I feel so freaking old I'm ready to just collapse in a heap and get the dying over with. Other times I retain some sort of optimism that makes me think better days are ahead. It feels like the way my life is going now is the way it will go for the rest of my days. I'll go to work, I'll feel rushed to fill my evening hours with something useful, and I'll hit the pillow each night with the sensation that another day has gone by unfulfilled. I'm a little terrified of the future. I miss being young and having promise. What the hell.

Our generation seems a little lost to me. All of my friends are my age and unmarried, in jobs that they don't intend to stay in, not knowing where they'll be a few years down the line. None of us feels truly grown up so we're all a bit lost. Didn't people used to have their lives totally figured out at the age of 26? Maybe it's a product of everyone living longer- if not, thank god we're living longer so we have enough time to get our shit sorted so we have a couple years of enjoyment before we die.

God, emo much? I think I'm just going stir-crazy from it being all snowy and gross outside and being afraid of falling on my ass all the time whenever I go out on the icy streets.
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic

On the bright side....

I've been working out an hour every day and I'm gaining more energy and losing weight by the day. And I need the extra energy or I'd be trying to strangle people just to take them down with me before I pass out.

Holy Livejournal, Batman!

I've got one of those rare nights to myself for the moment because the stress in my life has escalated to a point where I just need to be alone for a night lest I really go round the bend.

There will come a day when I work for someone more competent at running a business than myself, and hopefully I wont be so far gone that I wont appreciate it. For the last month I have worked six days a week and sometimes 10, 11 hours a day at two jobs. The second job is currently the one getting my goat, because back in April I QUIT THAT JOB. I quit that job because my hours were being cut to maybe one day a week, and even then I was doing crude secretarial work while two other designers hired on at the same time got to do all the real work. That, and I had been lied to about the pay. So I quit the job, and less than a month later I get a distress call from the boss begging me to come back because the other two designers had also quit and oh, by the way, his main publication was due out in three weeks and hadn't been started.

So, desperately trying to get this publication out in the hours after working full time at my first job, I have struggled for three weeks. I have received very little help from my boss who is totally clueless on how to work Adobe programs and who has no organization whatsoever for the information going into the publication or where it should go. In other words, I'm flying blind, and my little experience with InDesign had better hold up under the pressure as I end up changing layouts daily based on his whims. There isn't enough to fill 48 pages in the book, but I am told that it must remain at 48 pages. He scrambles around trying to get people to buy ads to fill up space, but rather than achieving actual commitments from people he merely tells me the ads will come for days until we must accept that the ad will never come.

Someone tell me why I should be stressed about this or pity my boss, when I was ready and willing to begin this thing back in April? 

Today I got to work only to find that in a fit of motivation, my boss has gone into the file and changed all the fonts for no reason. This completely throws off everything. My rage was unspeakable.

I have to tell myself that most companies do not operate this way. Most companies do not expect designers to work in an ill-lit basement surrounded by dogs, working on a tiny screen off files that have not been named or filed in any way, while demented people scream about Iron Man or Rockies games from upstairs.

I could operate a better business than that from my laptop. In bed.

Favorite Spots in Denver

So yeah, my cat died. I'm trying not to think about it.

These are my favorite spots in Denver.
  • L'Asie Restaurant: Best thai in town by far, and walking distance from my apartment. And cheap!
  • Argonaut Liquors: Also on my street, this is a massive icon devoted to alcohol and the best place to grab some booze
  • Pearl St. Farmer's Market: Every Sunday, a great place to people watch and get fresh produce
  • Cap Hill Antiques Market: Friendly staff and a great selection of old junk
  • Flossy McGrew's: Totally insane building festooned with skulls and tinsel, great for all your costuming needs
  • Seoul Food: best sushi I've ever had. Walking distance.
  • Cherry Creek Whole Foods: the biggest, craziest, well stocked market of all
  • Cheesman Park: whether you're gay or just like to tan your inner thighs, Cheesman is it.
  • Pablo's Coffee: Walking distance, great atmosphere, amazing tea.
  • Little India: amazing indian food
  • Meininger's: great art supply store with everything you can imagine
  • Lannie's Clocktower: An actual giant clocktower known for comedy and burlesque shows
  • Tracks: A gay bar with theme nights and attitude
  • The Tattered Cover: best bookstore I've been in bar none.
  • Lipgloss: the mixed indie dance night at La Rumba
  • Irish Snug: Great pub food, great pub trivia
  • The Park Tavern: the place to be at Cap Hill at night
  • Leela's: fab cafe downtown
  • Colorado Renissance Festival: Only been once. Soon to repeat.
  • Wynkoop: Downtown hotspot for home brewed beer
  • Falling Rock Tavern: likewise. Lots of beer.
  • Rock Bottom: Awesome lunch spot, homebrewed beer
  • Gaia: On S. Pearl, best brunch/breakfast


My monthly post

Yeah, I never use this more than once a month. I'm not a bleeding writer, am I?
What's new?
Well, I broke the axle on my car, which the mechanic was very impressed by. When I told him I parked it in a ditch he thought I was trying to be funny. With the addition of the bent wheel from my icy road incident, I could see one thing etched in his face as I left the building. "There goes one scary woman driver."

In other news, last Friday my cat was acting weird, and long story short he has cancer that's inhibiting his breathing. It got so bad that I took him to the vet yesterday with the intention of having him put to sleep so he could stop suffering, and this vet miraculously snatched him up out of the hands of death. It's almost cruel since he will still certainly die from this disease, but I have never seen a transformation like a cat laying on the floor, pale, groaning, unable to move- becoming a cat that's completely normal, if a bit shaved down in patches.

"Oh god don't take my picture. I'm so embarrassed at how I was almost dead this morning!"

So now I'm extremely happy to have my cat for even one more day, but there's an eerie sensation that Death is lurking in my home, waiting. A ticking time bomb. At the vet I could see there were many people living with that. There were lots of little shaved animals bumping into walls and sniffing each other while their owners looked on, slightly puffy-eyed.

I recently described my time in Denver as a karmic war of attrition. Everything from my car to my futon to my health has broken here in the last year, and at the risk of sounding self-important I think Denver is trying to kick me out. Well I'm not leaving, a-hole.
My car is fixed, my cat isn't flopping on the floor gasping like a fish out of water, and I even have a date next week. Take that.

Oh and I totally had a weird dream last night about someone who was magic trying to fight with someone who had control over machines. The machine chick was sending out bulldozers and sparks, and at one time one of the magic guy's henchmen got beheaded, thrown outside into the snow, frozen, and kicked into traffic. Then it rolled down the street to the front door of a pub, where it could thaw out and be completely freaky.

(no subject)

You know, people say you really shouldn't be unhappy when there are people out there with no arms or legs or something.
Isn't that the same as saying that people with no arms or legs shouldn't be happy? That's just mean.

Equal rights to unhappiness!


So... most amazing. Sunrise. Ever. This morning. I woke up and stumbled out of my bedroom, groggily thinking " What is this? is the holy grail in my kitchen? Is a choir of angels on the way? This massive golden glow oozed in through the window and grabbed both my eyeballs and shook them and said "BEHOLD! To thee I am as of the fires of creation! Look upon me and tremble!"

Then it was gone by the time I went and had my morning tinkle. But DAMN.

Life, the universe, and everything

It is the most reassuring thing in the entire world that if I ever want to do something with a bunch of people, I can make a meetup and they'll actually come. Not only do they come, they are friendly, interesting, laid back people who i genuinely enjoy spending time with.

Yesterday we had a group of six go for a hike. Every hike I've done in Colorado has been different, and even though I'd been on this one last summer it was uniquely spectacular. For one thing, there was snow on the ground. The only way we could find the trail was by following other peoples' footprints, and for anyone who hasn't seen it, the light shining through a snowy forest is amazing. Also you end up slipping and sliding everywhere, and you don't really need to carry water because you can eat the snow. We followed the trail to a frozen waterfall, which is something i've never seen before. We walked on the frozen streams and climbed down the waterfall, and I slipped and hit my head nicely, but I didn't much care because it's just too novel a thing to be climbing on a waterfall.